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1.What was the hardest part about being a widow/widower?
2·What did you do to cope with the sense of loneliness you felt?
3·What did you do to keep yourself occupied?
4· How was your support system. Did you have close family members and friends who helped you to come to terms with your loss?\
5· How important do you feel it is to go for counselling to try and get over your grief?
6· Do you feel that self care such as sleeping well, eating right, exercising etc. is important?
7· Whilst taking some time off to grieve how did you gradually get back to your normal routine?
8· What is your advice to those in a similar situation?
By Kshalini Nonis
Becoming a widow or widower is perhaps one of the toughest situations many have to face. The feelings of grief and loneliness at losing one’s spouse can be overwhelming. Whilst initially family and friends may rally around you and be there for you, after sometime you may feel lonely, helpless, depressed and sad that the person with whom you shared some of the best years of your life is no longer there.
We spoke to Sulari Gamage, Attorney-at Law regarding issues to be considered by widows as well as to two widows on their thoughts and feelings on how they coped with this situation.
Clarine Young
1. Being left a widow is like losing a limb, especially after years of marriage.
2. By immersing myself in my family. I also went overseas on a holiday.
3. I did handicrafts, and as I still do read a lot and did crosswords.
4. Yes, very good as my family of five children and their families stood by me.
5. I did not go for counselling as I was strong enough to bear my loss.
6. Definitely yes.
7. Learn to carry on your life and pick up the pieces. Don't wallow in self-pity and allow remorse or guilt to worry you if the right thing was done during marriage.
8. Remain positive and do not let grief affect your mental and physical health.
Dhanushi Senanayake
1. From what I remember, it’s 10 years since I lost my husband. There could have been specific times when I felt it would have been good if my husband was there in good health. (As he died due to a health condition.) Picking up kids from classes when they finished classes late in the night. When I wait outside for my son or daughter to come I feel really sad and I do miss my husband especially when I see fathers who have come to pick up their kid from the class. Though we had the car at home until my son learned to drive I had to depend on tuks.
I was fortunate enough to have my parents, particularly my father till 2020 and my mother is with me and is very supportive. I don’t feel like a widow unless I mention it in applications or when I must explain that my husband is not present because he is dead. When I see happy families, I accept that a feeling of jealousy does come, and I attribute being a widow to grave karma in a previous birth.
2. Writing poetry, meeting up with friends, reading books, composing songs, thinking of the good times together.
3. I got work assignments and got back to my studies. Since I am an only child I am compelled to figure out often breakfast to dinner, a vacation, for my family and extended family etc. So I was always occupied, there was no need to look out for things to occupy myself with.
4. Yes, there were friends from an office where I worked for a long time and colleagues who provided me with work assignments, called me and went on trips with me. Neighbours helped me and made sure that my kids' birthdays were remembered by sending gifts. My husband’s cousin used to visit, bring us dinner, and visit during the New Year. Even my husband’s office colleagues helped to expedite getting the EPF and ETF sorted and they called or visited us at home.
5. There were times that I felt it would have been good to put out my grief, but I did not have time. However, there must be a formal system in place where widows and widowers are provided counselling support. Sometimes the cost and time is not affordable to obtain this service.
6. Eating the right food, not junk food, adequate sleep, exercising, social networks, and being occupied are all needed to cope and recover. If a person is religious or spiritually inclined engaging in retreats to a religious place may help.
7. I did not have the luxury of taking time off to grieve.
8. The situation of everyone could be different. Our society and culture are not sensitive to widows and widowers. People offer sympathy to the children of a widowed family. People will praise you (a widow) if you cope well and say how strong you are. I do not know the plight of those who fail to recover and cope. It seems as if you are a widow, you must be strong.
Sulari Gamage (Attorney- at - Law)
Q: What are the issues that must be considered when it comes to the last will of the deceased spouse when one becomes a widow?
estate succession occurs , when a person dies leaving a Last Will to bequeath title of the properties, both immovables and movables at the time of his death in accordance with his wish.
If the Will is available the widow must take steps to institute a Testamentary action three months from the date of finding the Will. If an executer was already appointed in the Will, it is the duty of the executer to institute the case. However, if the widow has been nominated as the sole beneficiary she is entitled to inherit what has been included in the Will. Instances where there are children and third parties are included as the beneficiaries; they too are entitled to the proportionate shares of the assets. Further there are instances where the wife is left only with the life interest rights of the properties. Then the widow will be only entitled to possess the property during her life time. If it is mentioned that the wife is entitled to lease out or draw income from the properties, then the widow is entitled to lease out and or draw income from the property during her life time.
Although the succession of the heirs in terms of a Last Will is prima facie presumed, no Last Will shall be effective or operative until it is proved in a court of competent. Therefore, it is mandatory to institute testamentary proceedings to obtain the Probate after establishing that the Will concerned is genuine.
Q: What are some of the issues that may require getting several copies of the death certificate and how do you go about getting it?
At the time of registering the death, parties are issued with a death certificate. However , thereafter if a party is in need of extra copies of the death certificate they can obtain the copies from the Divisional Secretariat office from where the death certificate is issued or from the Registrar General’s office where you can apply for copies of the death certificate of any part of the country. There is no restriction to apply for several copies and copies are issued on payment of a nominal charge.
Q:What about the assets that are jointly owned like houses and properties /lands?
Where all landed properties situated in Sri Lanka which have been held jointly and whether the same shall belong to two or more persons jointly shall be deemed and taken to be held by them in common and upon the decease of any such persons, said property so jointly possessed shall not remain or belong to the survivor, but will be held as co-proprietors. However, if there is a will and if there is a nominee nominated in the will to inherit the share of the deceased, then the nominee will inherit the property after testamentary proceedings. If the spouse has left a will expressly providing that the survivor, upon such decease, shall become entitled to the whole estate. If there is no will left the balance share will be inherited by the widow and the children(if any) according to the provisions of the Matrimonial Rights and Inheritance Ordinance. If there are no children, the remaining share will go to the parents or to the siblings of the deceased.
Q:What factors must be considered from a legal perspective if the deceased person was employed?
According to the Widow’s and Orphan’s Pension Acts all public servants should be registered to the W&OP (Widow’s & Orphan’s) pension scheme. If the deceased person was a government servant, then the widow is entitled for the W & OP (Widow’s & Orphan’s) pension scheme. For the widow to register herself, she must submit a letter obtained from the Grama Sevaka confirming the death of the spouse, a certified copy of the Death certificate, Marriage certificate and Birth certificate/s of the children (if any) to the Divisional Secretariat office. However, if the deceased person was an employee in the mercantile sector, the widow and children are entitled to receive the statutory payments due to the deceased upon the demise of the spouse. Statutory payments are made according to the nominations and in the absence of a nomination funds are distributed under the common law.
Q: How can you sort out bank accounts especially those that have been given a nominee?
If a nominee has been given, then the nominee is entitled to receive funds. Other than the family members, nominee can be a third party.
Q:When it comes to things like digital passwords in online banking how can it be sorted out?
Joint Account
Both parties have two separate digital passwords and upon the demise of the spouse the remaining party has to inform the bank and can continue to operate the account from her password.
Sole Account (Wife‘s name given as the nominee)
Upon the demise of the spouse, the widow must inform the bank of the death of the party and should substantiate the fact that she is the legal wife and the identical person appears as the nominee by providing the Death Certificate, Marriage Certificate and the Identity Card to the bank and the bank having been satisfied with the information provided by the widow can take steps to transfer the remaining balance to a new account in the name of the widow and she is given a new digital password.
Sole Account (No nominee)
Upon the demise of the spouse, the widow must inform the bank of the death of the party and should substantiate the fact that she is the legal wife and the particulars of the children by providing the Death Certificate, Marriage Certificate and the Birth Certificates of the children to the bank and the bank having been satisfied with the information provided by the widow can take steps to distribute the funds to the wife and the children of the deceased. However, if the balance is above the administrable value then the heirs have to file a Testamentary Action.
Q:What is your advice on things such as Life Insurance, Property Insurance etc. for widows?
In the Insurance field always nominees are given at the time of the commencement of the policies and if the widow has been named as the nominee, the widow is entitled to claim.
Q: At what stage would you advise to appoint an Attorney to handle their affairs?
It is advisable to appoint an Attorney even prior to the stage of executing a Will as the parties may familiarise themselves with the exact wealth, assets and the liabilities.
Finally can you give us a summary/check list
- Last Will- beneficiaries and the liabilities
- W&OP – submitting documents ,obtaining the Pin Number
- Statutory dues- EPF,ETF, Gratuity , Nomination
- Insurance - Maturity and the Nominees
- Vehicles – Registration Documents.
- Bank lockers- jewellery, title deeds
- Documents – Death Certificate, Marriage Certificate, Birth Certificates , Identity cards.
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