Darling Amma, the irreplaceable anchor in my life

A bouquet of precious memories sprayed with an orphan’s ocean of tears, 
Darling Amma, the irreplaceable anchor in my life, 
You were the air I breathed; the reason I survived, 
Now you are gone; My life has no meaning. 
In the arms of the angels may you find comfort! 

Amma Dora, the core of my very existence, left eight years ago, reducing my life to ground zero. I wasn’t loved but absolutely adored by my only affectionate guardian. I was a parasite on her in every way. In the stillness of midnight, I often ponder; what went wrong? Did I deserve to be dealt with such a cruel blow? Why was my salve Regina veiled from my sight and withheld from my embrace? Time takes away the edge of grief; but memory turns back every leaf. 

My precious Amma was truly an angle sent by Jesus to protect and defend her only child. I was an infant of 10 days when I first accompanied Amma to be hospitalised; Tuesday, March 6, 2012. 7.39 p.m. was the 21st time. Little did I know Jesus was softly calling my custodian and she was flying on the wings of glory back to heaven! I am dismayed and distraught without her soothing arms that gently calmed the thunder in my heart. My harbour in life’s storm left me on this damned earth to face a cold, harsh and insensitive world. However, I experienced Jesus’ love in Lakmal, Uditha, Sanjaya and Samanthi; whose unconditional and unstinted care, concern and support comforted and consoled me; proving these diligent doctors (NHSL) are my family. I could lean on during my moment of tumult. Dearest Jesus, bless these admirable human beings; for though I haven’t seen you, I saw you in each of their faces. 

My sweat Amma, didn’t you foresee the devastation it would cause by severing yourself from me? You abruptly left without saying “Duwa, may God bless you” knowing I was the only one as always by your side in your final moments. In your semi-conscious state, you responded to my voice; why then couldn’t you open your loving eyes one last time to see the horrifying experience your Duwa, all alone, was going through? I kept hopelessly kissing the soles of your feet as you slipped away. Sanjaya and the nurses saw me going numb at the very moment; that merciless, deadly tornado hit me hard. 

Where were you Jesus when my world stopped turning at 1.15 a.m. on March  9, 2012? Why couldn’t you spare my devoted Amma a few more years? The parting was sudden; too bitter to forget; the blow too hard; the shock severe. At night, when shadows are falling and others think I sleep, I weep asking my lovable Amma why she left me orphaned. The anguish that’s in my shattered heart no human eye can ever trace for it is hidden beneath a child-like smiling face. Those who honestly loved my Idol and respect the privacy of her only child are the ones who will cherish her memory. 

Amma and I always travelled in the same vehicle; this time around, to the crematorium. At 3.00 p.m., I her orphan, still in a state of shock pressed that button. With tormented mind and soul and none to soothe me, less than 24 hours later, I was back in my Amma’s home “Deshari-Vaijayantha.” Amma’s rattaranDuwa’s life was wrecked forever. Adorable Amma, I love you so much and miss you even more. I feel so empty, lost and lonely without you. Please take me to where you are. I was strong when I had your shoulder to lean on. Jesus was fair when he took his priceless possession safely home to heaven; why is he unfair by me? Does he not know how insecure I am without my anchor? 

A heavenly glow from our household is gone; a loving voice I yearn to hear is stilled, 
A very special and important place is vacant in our home; a vacuum that can never be filled, 
If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to heaven and bring you back again.

Wind beneath my wings no one will ever know what it means to lose you; we were not just mother and daughter, but Siamese twins joined from head to toe – so how can I survive? You often said, “Duwa, unleash your potential by overcoming challenges and shattering barriers; Once your goals are achieved, embrace the success you deserve.” Then, give me the key formula to rejoin you for eternity. Mirror of my soul, my heart is heavy as lead; my secret tears still flow like an ocean. Every time I picture your beautiful face, you seem to smile and tenderly say, “Don’t cry mage rattaran Duwa, I am only sleeping; we’ll meet again and walk the streets of heaven.” I eagerly await that moment of rapture! 

Amazing Amma, you left an echo, whispering softly down the ways. My guardian angel’s warm, boundless and undying love for her only child shall be an eternal flame on the altar of my heart! To her, nothing was a sacrifice but an act of supreme love. Amma’s power of love’ for her Duwa is now more intense. My wonderful Amma, your life is past but my love for you till the end will last. Your soul shall constantly be with your orphan; shielding me from harm. The nurture I received whilst in your womb and onwards will continue to direct me. I was guided by example, not by precept; never thwarted, but given complete freedom. My mentor trusted me without an iota of doubt. 

Amma, the queen of my heart, had grace in her steps and heaven in her eyes. She was an epitome of gentleness; Valour, strength, integrity and honour were her clothing. As the adage goes “good wine needs no bush,’’ Amma’s sincerity touched the lives of others. Many are the women of proven worth, but my glorious Amma excelled them all. I am so proud of you. Do inspire me to emulate you. Alas, this rare, unique and precious treasure (my ‘brilliant’) was too valuable to be kept in a vicious world. Hallowed Amma, you now belong to heaven where the stars spell out your name, “Syl’s Amma Dora.” Your fragrance shall forever stay. Dearest Jesus, give my heroine the crown she truly won! 

My journey in this crazy world continues; would the clouds roll by, I wonder? A sensitive heart will choke on the reply. Whatever my needs and fears, there are two watching me from a distance. They are holding me in their arms of love. I don’t have to accomplish great things to be accepted by them – my angelic Amma Dora and my eternal friend Jesus. Every tide has its ebb; I will ride the whirlwind and the undercurrent – the truth shall make me victorious. Questions come so swiftly, answers come slowly. 
Sylvana