The tale of a working mother

Embracing joys and challenges of motherhood

“Being a working mother is the wiser choice … 
Do not underestimate the positive impact it will have on your kids – showing your kids how you can balance their needs and achieve your professional goals is a powerful statement. 
Considering the high cost of living lately, having the income of two full-time working parents, thereby being able to provide more opportunities for the children, is an obvious perk. 
Staying home would be a waste of your educational qualifications and taking time out from the work force may impact future job opportunities … 
You never know when your partner may get retrenched – a woman should never depend on her husband financially … 
Working away from the home will allow you to have a piece of something that does not revolve around your kids – an extended circle of friends, work outings. 
Your children will grow up being more independent and responsible – no longer depending on others for their work.”
Or …
“Stay at home and focus on your family … 
Scientific evidence has shown how critical a child’s first five years are to their ability to succeed in life – by being home with children in their early years, you can nurture them, provide security and be there for developmental milestones …
Staying home with children will give you the satisfaction of personally raising them without having to accept parenting decisions someone else might make on your behalf …
You get to teach them yourself, mindfully enjoy being a mother and be their primary role model …
You can always re-enter the workforce and make the return to a gratifying career – but time with your child is something that once lost, can never be recovered …
You can streamline, organise and balance the home front leading to a much calmer and less chaotic lifestyle for the family.”

“Having a hands-on and involved partner, who does his fair share of work, has made a world of difference. Being in a position to arrange our hospital shifts in a way that our schedules alternate, so that one parent can look after the home front, be there for the kids, attend to their schooling and other needs, while the other one is at work has helped immensely”- Dr. Rochini Arnold

You have probably heard the age-old tussle over who makes the better parent – the one who goes to work every day or the one who stays at home. 
Becoming a mother is one of the most exhilarating times in a woman’s life but along with the joys and responsibilities of motherhood, an ugly emotion that can rear its head is guilt.
The debate between stay-at-home mothers and working mothers has been ongoing for decades, with both sides presenting equally compelling arguments.

Working mother

Being a mother and having a successful career are both individually challenging tasks in themselves. And when these two responsibilities are combined, they create one of the most demanding jobs in the world. 
The challenges faced are plentiful – feelings of guilt, the struggle to achieve an effective work-life balance, handling societal expectations and the impact on one’s mental and physical health. 

It is a delicate dance between wanting to give your very best at work and progress up the career ladder and wanting to be a present and positive parent to the children as well as a supportive spouse. 
As a working mother, the promise of a “normal” routine and the salary that comes with a full-time job are enticing but difficult decisions must be made when it comes to childcare alternatives, family responsibilities and working hours. 

The reality is that there is no such thing as a perfect balance. It is all about finding what works for the family and workplace and making compromises when needed.

A chat with some mothers exemplified just how individualistic the journey of parenting is. 
Juggling motherhood and a full-time career in medicine can be prohibitively hard, expressed Dr. Rochini Arnold, a Medical Officer (Anaesthesiology) at the North Colombo Teaching Hospital. 
As a doctor mum, she does not have it easy but admirably makes it work through the low points, chaos and exhaustion. 

“Being a doctor means working unconventional and unforgiving hours. So, having reliable childcare in the form of four willing and involved grandparents that I can trust to love and nurture our two young children, has been paramount.” 

When asked about her secret to keeping it all together, Dr. Arnold also attributed their family’s success to her husband, also a Medical Officer (Anaesthesiology) at the same hospital. She and her husband divide and conquer not just rigorous hospital shifts but also the daily tasks involved in running a happy and loving household between the two of them. 

“Having a hands-on and involved partner, who does his fair share of work, has made a world of difference. Being in a position to arrange our hospital shifts in a way that our schedules alternate, so that one parent can look after the home front, be there for the kids, attend to their schooling and other needs, while the other one is at work has helped immensely. 

We always work together to share the burdens and joys of a career and parenthood, even though it has meant sacrificing our own well-being, sleep and opportunities for career progression along the way. Seeing our children growing up into exceptional individuals is a rewarding experience and I know that they in turn are proud of the hard work and persistence it takes to be a working mother.” 

Nadhra Zanoon, ACMA, CGMA and Attorney-at-Law, Board Secretary at a leading insurance solutions provider, had this to share: “I returned to work when my firstborn was just 3.5 months old, whereas I made the decision to delay my re-entry to the workforce for two years when my second child was born.

I have been both a working and stay-at-home mother and while I am immensely grateful I got to stay home with the children during their most formative years, I feel like in order to be a happier, more fulfilled and well-adjusted person, I needed to contribute outside the home in some way. 

Even though my career demands significant dedication and sacrifice, I make it a point to not let my professional commitments overshadow my role as a mother. I carve out quality time for my children everyday – whether it is having meals together, taking them to the playground, listening to them and concentrating on their needs. 
Having a supportive and empathetic workplace culture as well as the grandparents’ involvement in childcare, has helped me navigate the journey of motherhood and career with strength and positivity.”

“I have been both a working and stay-at-home mother and while I am immensely grateful I got to stay home with the children during their most formative years, I feel like in order to be a happier, more fulfilled and well-adjusted person, I needed to contribute outside the home in some way”- Nadhra Zanoon

Stay-at-home mother 

Sri Lanka’s female labour force participation rate stands at a dishearteningly low 36.6 percent. Among the many challenges experienced by Sri Lankan women, household responsibilities, especially childcare, remain significant deterrents to returning to the workforce. As nuclear families become increasingly prevalent, women have fewer extended family members living with them to assist in raising their children. 

The absence of quality childcare support as well as high childcare costs (paying for a daycare, nanny or both, can eat up almost every cent of one’s paycheck), has resulted in some women deciding to give up their careers temporarily to take on more homebound roles. There are also professional restrictions that can pressure a mother into staying home such as the unwillingness of employers to embrace flexible working arrangements or provide new mothers with the necessary time off to care for a newborn. 

For many being a stay-at-home mom is a compromise, for others it is a need and for some it is a conscious and well-thought-out choice. Whichever way we choose to look at it, we need to recognise the immense importance of a mother’s role as a caregiver and the integral function it brings to our entire economy. 

Rochelle Fonseka, a Chartered Accountant by profession and formerly the accountant at a luxury hotel chain with resorts across Sri Lanka, South Asia and the Middle East, took a career break after having her first child. 
Now a stay-at-home mother of three young kids, with limited family support and a spouse who is a commercial airline pilot working unpredictable hours, Rochelle says that although putting aside personal aspirations, foregoing the extra income and cutting down on non-essential spending are a huge compromise for a mother, she is very confident that this is the right decision for her family. 

“I get to focus 100 percent on my family. Being with my kids during these years is not only very rewarding for me, it is also beneficial for my children. While there was no pressure from anyone to take on this role, I feel very fulfilled knowing that I have been their first influence and guide, without the dependence on and involvement of grandparents, helpers or babysitters. 
I assist with schoolwork, play with them, help them navigate their feelings, prepare healthy meals and maintain a happy and stimulating home for my family – none of which I would’ve been capable of doing in my corporate nine-to-five role. 

So, even though I sometimes wonder and worry about my employability after a break in my career, loss of skills and experience required in a workplace and sole financial burden of our family being on my spouse, I will never regret the decision of being a full-time mother and homemaker.”

“Even though I sometimes wonder and worry about my employability after a break in my career, loss of skills and experience required in a workplace and sole financial burden of our family being on my spouse, I will never regret the decision of being a full-time mother and homemaker”- Rochelle Fonseka

What can businesses do to help?   

Rolling out policies to support new parents – offering generous paid leave, high quality in-house childcare facilities and flexible work arrangements can help retain experienced employees and boost satisfaction and loyalty.  
For mothers, flexible work arrangements can be critical to ensure a child feels safe and supported – picking up and dropping off kids at daycare or school, taking care of children when sick, attending meetings and events at school and simply being present, among a multitude of other responsibilities, without feeling overwhelmed and struggling to cope. Not having access to such arrangements have resulted in many mothers having to leave their jobs completely. 

Women and mothers in particular, gladly welcomed the flexibility of working from home and hybrid policies that resulted from the pandemic lockdowns. However, as the labour market recovered from its pandemic slump, most businesses insisted on in-person work being more productive and collaborative and so mandated a return to the office, posing many challenges to parents. 
Many mothers make the choice between having a successful career and their role as mother and primary caregiver to children and for many men the long and rigid work hours often limit their time with their children during the critical early years. 

Employer-supported childcare is increasing, with a handful of leading Sri Lankan corporates now providing in-house corporate creche facilities. 
However, while these companies are a powerful example to the wider private sector that employers who support parents in meeting their childcare needs can hire and retain talent and boost profits and productivity, there is a huge gap in the amount of care currently available in Sri Lanka versus what is needed.

As long as it’s you making the decision, it’s always right

Most young mothers tend to look outwards for validation of what is right or go with what is socially accepted. People will always have wildly differing opinions on the issue of mothering and what is best for children. 

Ultimately, whether a woman chooses to stay at home or work outside the home, what matters most is that she is making the decision that is best for her family, since each family has its unique setup for how they operate best. 
Being a stay-at-home mother or a career mother is hard. Both require sacrifice, compromise, hard work and handling the mental load of motherhood. Choosing one over the other is an individual choice and a conscious effort should be made to support anyone who may choose a different lifestyle.

Supporting rather than condemning each other is a key factor in understanding one another’s decisions. It is important to recognise that no matter what path we choose to take, we all add value in a remarkable way and that should be respected and celebrated.