NOTALLMEN

A Harmful Diversion or Sincere Defence?

• Multiple Rapes of 16-Year-Old by Gang of 22 Men in Thalamalvila
• Child Raped Repeatedly Over Two Years by Six Men in Kalutara North
• 40-Year-Old Fisherman Rapes 13-Year-Old Girl in Beruwala
• 52-Year-Old Teacher Rapes 12-Year-Old Student in Matale
• Medical Trainee Murdered After Rape in Kolkata, India
• Nurse Raped, Murdered, and Robbed in Uttarakhand, India

These are all rape cases that made headlines just this past week, but they are merely the tip of a horrifying iceberg. Countless others remain shrouded in silence, unreported and unpunished. These aren’t isolated incidents but symptoms of a deep-rooted societal disease. Worst still, we’ve become numb to the constant barrage of rape cases. Headlines blare with harrowing details, but the shock is wearing thin. Yet, the statistics are undeniable.

In 2023 alone, a staggering 1,502 Sri Lankan women and girls came forward to report rape in Sri Lanka. 167 of them fell pregnant from their rape. This isn’t a recent epidemic; it’s a crisis that has plagued our society for years. Data from way back in 2010 reveals a chilling reality: at least three children were raped daily. The numbers haven’t improved. 

For women and girls, fear is a constant companion. Every time they step out of their homes, they navigate a world teeming with invisible dangers; a woman walking alone at night might wonder if the guy behind her is a threat. The recent surge in horrific sexual violence across Sri Lanka and India is a brutal reminder of this grim reality. And just as the world begins to reckon with these atrocities, that all-too-familiar phrase rears its head: “not all men.”

We understand why people say “not all men.” There’s a desire to ensure that not every man is seen as the villain. But here’s the crux—most people already know that. The real issue arises when this phrase is used to stifle conversations about those men who harm women. While not all men are guilty, some men are, and that’s the discussion we need to be having.

The #NotAllMen Shield: A Barrier to Progress?

“Not all men”. This phrase has been likened to its toxic cousin “All Lives Matter,” and for good reason. They share a common flaw—they both attempt to derail critical conversations about specific injustices by falsely equating all experiences.

Take “Black Lives Matter,” for example. It came about to address the very real problem of systemic racism and police brutality against Black people. It’s about shining a light on a specific issue that affects a particular group. But then “All Lives Matter” shows up, which, while technically true, misses the point completely and downplays the unique struggles Black people face.

In the same way, when someone says “not all men,” it’s often used to shift the focus away from the real issue of violence against women. It tries to lump all men together, as if the experiences of those who don’t commit violence are the same as those who do. It comes from a place of defensiveness and whether intentional or not, ignores the very real dangers and challenges women face. Both slogans end up watering down important discussions about specific injustices by pretending everyone’s experience is the same. 

Understandably, innocent men don’t like being lumped in with bad actors. They’re caught in a system that doesn’t always clearly separate the innocent from the guilty. But the problem is, that the intention behind this statement often eclipses its truth. When it’s used as a shield to deflect blame or minimise the experiences of survivors, “not all men” becomes a tool that stalls progress. It diverts focus from the bigger issues, fostering a culture where perpetrators are shielded instead of being held accountable. Acknowledging the frustration of innocent men is important, but we must also recognise how damaging this phrase can be when it’s used to dodge responsibility.

Women get it—not all men are perpetrators. But the constant “not all men” chorus overshadows the very real fear that women live with every day. 

The “not all men” issue is layered and complex. Claiming that “not all men” are perpetrators ignores the larger context. It dismisses the lived experiences of countless women who have endured harassment, assault, or worse. It perpetuates a culture that values the comfort of men over the safety of women.

But the problem extends beyond these horrific acts. We must confront the deep-seated issues in our society that allow this violence to persist. It’s not just about individual perpetrators; it’s about the twisted ideas about gender, power, and consent that are deeply rooted in our culture. We’ve built a world where women are constantly on alert, where their worth is measured against outdated notions of purity and obedience. And when those lines are crossed, the system often fails them, blaming the victims instead of holding the abusers accountable.

Voices for Change

Social media often gets a bad rap, but that doesn’t take away from its ability to be a powerful tool for activism and social change. In the wake of the recent spike in violence against women, people are using these platforms to ignite conversations, raise awareness, and demand justice. Some of the consistent voices making a significant impact are: Aritha Wickramasinghe, a Lawyer and advocate for equality for the LGBT+ community, women and minorities; and the Instagram account @_ambunny, tirelessly advocating for survivors and highlighting stories that often slip through the cracks of mainstream media.

Aritha offers a sobering perspective on the issue. “While not all 100% of men are responsible for sexual violence against women and even other men, we cannot ignore the fact that almost all incidents of sexual violence are committed by men. In Sri Lanka, studies have shown that over 90% of women have faced sexual harassment for merely going on the bus or train. 

So as men, we need to accept that we are the problem. And this acceptance doesn’t have to come from a toxic or negative place. Accepting responsibility as a gender doesn’t mean accepting guilt for actions which we didn’t commit ourselves. It just means that we need to become more conscious of what is happening to most women and even other men and that we need to be ready to hold our friends and bros accountable. Saying “not all men”, is just a deflection tactic. It’s almost like some men just want to wash their hands off the wider problem in society through this type of violence. 

It’s not enough to say that it’s not your problem because you’re not the man who did it. If 1 in 3 children are experiencing online sexual violence, if over 90% of women are being sexually harassed in public transport, and if the majority of women have faced some sort of sexual violence at the hands of men, this is a societal problem. It affects all of us and it definitely affects men too”.

Aritha’s call to action is a stark reminder of the role men must play in addressing gender-based violence. “Men need to be part of the solution because whether we like it or not, we are the problem here. We need to accept it, be mature about it and be proactive in how we can be better. We need to take responsibility to ensure that the next generation of boys is better. From a legal perspective, there’s no shortage of laws to address this problem. But this is not a legal problem. It doesn’t matter what the law says or what the punishment is. This is a mindset problem.”

Addressing the “not all men” narrative, @_ambunny reiterates Aritha’s comments, “The phrase ‘not all men’ often serves as a defensive mechanism that diverts attention from the systemic issue of violence against women.” He critiques how this phrase is used to dodge responsibility, stating, “This narrative does little to address the issue at hand and instead serves to deflect attention away from the real problem.”

Explaining the damaging impact of this narrative, he adds: “Talking about ‘not all men’ ignores the real struggles women face every day. It erases bigger crimes like rape and violence.” He stresses the need to shift the focus from absolving all men to holding individuals accountable for their actions. “When the case is of a BRUTAL RAPE, men should be capable of enduring a bit of wrath. That’s the bare minimum we can do as men!” he insists.

He also highlights the importance of understanding the victim’s perspective: “Emphasising that ‘not all men’ are perpetrators can trivialise the experiences of survivors.” He calls for dismantling the societal norms that contribute to gender-based violence, asserting, “It’s crucial to hold individuals accountable for their actions and challenge the societal conditions that enable these crimes.”

Beyond Blame: Building a Culture of Consent and Respect

The phrase “Not all men” shifts the focus away from the real issue: the pervasive nature of gender-based violence. It’s not about blaming every man, but about acknowledging that the problem exists and affects everyone, albeit disproportionately. The horrifying incident reported just last Sunday, where a 54-year-old woman raped a 14-year-old boy, is a reminder that sexual violence doesn’t discriminate by gender.

This isn’t about pitting men against women; it’s about a collective effort to build a society where everyone feels safe and valued. The “not all men” argument often distracts from this shared goal by creating a defensive stance instead of fostering a sense of collective responsibility. We need to recognise that while not all men are perpetrators, many benefit from a system that allows violence and inequality to persist.

It’s time to dismantle the “not all men” shield and create a world where everyone is accountable for fostering a culture of respect and equality. We must challenge harmful norms, uplift survivors, and demand a future free from gender-based violence.

To gain a deeper understanding of public sentiment surrounding the “not all men” argument, we sought out diverse perspectives.

Not all men but ALL women  regardless of age, clothing, or location, face the risk of abuse. Whether in schools, hospitals, homes, or simply walking on the road, all women are vulnerable. If it’s not all men, then why are there so many cases and rapidly rising? 
It 100% shifts the issue at hand for the simple reason that men, instead of taking time to either condemn the violence or look at solving the issue, are busy defending the collective. Even during the boxing saga at this year’s Olympics, men who never talk about the violence faced by our own women were quick to comment on this topic. For the longest time, male patriots insisted SL is better than India. Today those very men are silent. This sort of poor, toxic response by men only drives victims to suffer in silence. The victims can’t come forward because there is no proper support system from men. The fundamental issue between both Sri Lanka & India is the inaction by men as a collective. Why are men silent? Why can’t men call for capital punishment? Or chemical castration? Why aren’t men calling for stringent laws against sexual predators? Who are 
they protecting?” 
Krishni

In the dark of recent events both here and in India, I am beyond appalled to entertain discussions on ‘not all men’. It’s true the actions of one decrepit man now question the integrity of fathers, brothers and sons who would die to protect any woman or little girl. But there is a problem rooted deeply in how boys become men, and how they are constantly under the influence of patriarchal views and practices that identify women as the weaker sex, as tools or objects for daily use. The theories are endless, and I am sick of it. I wasn’t taught to respect women or treat them as fragile flowers. I learned they are my equals, my friends and partners in building a better world. No man needs aid in discussing this. This is our problem, and we must commit to solving it ourselves by identifying predators and dealing swift blows to their actions or thoughts.” 
Gayantha

Honestly, the “not all men” thing kinda bugs me. It feels like it’s trying to change the subject from the actual problem. Yeah, we get it, not every guy is a jerk, but that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re trying to figure out how to stop sexual violence, and that’s where our focus should be.
Sheni

Not every guy is a creep, but that’s not really the point. When people keep saying “not all men,” it makes it seem like the main issue is protecting guys’ feelings, instead of figuring out how to keep women safe. We need to talk about solutions, not just 
defend dudes.
Ajith

It’s important to say that not all men are bad guys, but we also need to talk about why some men do terrible things. When we just focus on “not all men,” it can feel like we’re ignoring the problem. It’s about finding a balance between acknowledging that most men are okay and figuring out how to stop the ones who aren’t from 
hurting people.
Dulan

The “not all men” thing can be tricky. We recognise that most guys aren’t rapists. But it can kind of drown out the voices of survivors. If we focus too much on defending innocent men, we might miss the chance to really tackle the problem. It’s about finding a way to talk about this stuff without making everyone 
feel attacked.
Tas

While it’s important to address the ‘not all men’ trope, we also need to be mindful of alienating potential male allies. Dismissing the concerns of men who genuinely want to be part of the solution can create a divide. We should focus on creating a space where men feel welcome to contribute positively to the conversation, rather than shutting them down. After all, ending gender-based violence requires a united front.
Charith