When your kids leave...

By Kshalini Nonis

1.How did you feel when your child/children moved out?

2· How did you cope with a  sudden feeling of emptiness in the house and the fact that you were now on your own?

3· Whilst proud of the fact that your kids were now independent and venturing out on their own did you not feel anxious and worried about their well- being?

4· What did you do to cope with your loneliness?

5· How often do you check-up on your kids who are away and  how important do you feel it is to do this? 

6· Do you feel that it is important for such parents to get used to their ‘new life’ and focus on their well-being and health etc and move on instead of wallowing in self pity ?

7· How do you think they should move on?

8· What  is your advice to parents who are in a similar situation to  you? 

Being a parent means you will face good and bad times, however perhaps  one of the biggest challenges parents face is when their children leave home – to go to university, move out on their own or get married and move away.  The  sense of emptiness parents feel can be overwhelming. We spoke to some parents who are in this situation.

T.V Helapitiya

Q 01 :- I felt very sad and depressed once they left home.

Q 02 :-  I started going to the gym more, and started trying new things to keep myself occupied and to help me cope.

Q 03 :- I did! All the time

Q 04 :- Watching TV, visiting my parents more often, talking to my friends over the phone on a daily basis, and cleaning my house - anything to keep myself occupied.

Q 05 :- I check up on them everyday, either via texts or phone calls - it is important for me to know whether my children are safe or not.

Q 06 :-  Yes. Because I realized that even my life is important, and I should treat it as such.

Q 07 :- By first realizing that this is inevitable, and that we have to face it. Some kids leave for college or either get married - either way they will eventually leave, and that is something we must accept.

Q 08 :- Find something that you love to do and be consistent. You are not only important because of your kids. Your life and well-being also matters.

Roshi Perera

Q 01 :- When my eldest got married and moved out, it didn’t impact me so much, as they were living quite close to my home, but now that my final kid is preparing to move overseas for a few years, I must admit to feeling moments of anxiety. Never sadness, though, because I am glad that they are happy in what they are doing and making their way forward in life.

Q 02 :-  It’s just me at home, with my dogs, and I am happy to be still gainfully employed and occupied. I’m probably going to feel a bit lonely on the weekends, but I love to lose myself in a good book or a movie, which I can now do uninterrupted. 

Q 03 :-  Well…..when my youngest moved out (the first to fly away) for higher studies, I did feel anxious and  concerned as she was so young and would be a stranger in a strange land. We also did not have the benefit of whatsapp calling at that time. But now, more than 10 years down the line, they are all settled and have found their niche and those early years and feelings of anxiety are but a dim memory now.

Q 05 :- My daughter and I make it a point to touch base via whatsapp calls, around twice a week as we both feel the importance of being in each other’s lives, and keeping the lines of communication open. With those who live here, we talk every few days and meet up at least once a week.

Q 06 :-  Absolutely. Just be glad that you have raised children with the capability to be independent.

Q 07 :- Like I answered previously, be glad that you have given them the confidence to live and make it on their own. Be there when they need you. Make yourself available for grandparent duty. Revel in the ability to eat whatever you feel like, when you feel like it. Imagine having to plan menus for the rest of your life!!!

Q 08 :- You’ve done your job. Now sit back and enjoy the rest of your life. Some people get more involved with doing charity work, or church work etc. You could also rekindle old schoolday  friendships.

Inoka  de Silva

Q 01 :- When my daughter moved out to university, I experienced a mix of emotions. There was definitely a sense of sadness, coupled with a bit of apprehension about her newfound independence. However, there was also pride in seeing her embark on this new chapter of her life. Overall it was a bittersweet moment, filled with both nostalgia and excitement for her future.

Q 02 :- Adjusting to a new routine after our older child moved out for university was challenging, but having my little son at home helped us adapt. While it was tough at first, embracing this new dynamic with my younger child helped our family navigate through the transition.

Q 03 :- While I was incredibly proud of my daughter for venturing out on her own and embracing independence, I definitely felt anxious and worried about her wellbeing. 

Q 04 :- To cope with the loneliness that accompanied my kid moving  out I reignited my love for embroidery and sewing, picking up where I had left 20 years ago. Engaging in these activities not only kept me occupied but also allowed me to channel my energy into something creative and fulfilling.

Q 05 :- I make it priority to stay connected with my daughter. I find that regular check ins through FACETIME calls in the morning, couple of times during the day, and before bedtime are essential. It’s not only important for me to ensure she is doing well but also to maintain that bond and sense of closeness despite the physical distance. 

Q 07 :- I think   they should focus on their  interests and move on.

Q 08 :-  I encourage all mums to stay connected with the kids through regular FACETIME calls, messages or letters. I suggest finding hobbies or activities what parents enjoy to stay occupied and maintain well-being.

Quraisha Doole

Q 01:- When my daughter moved out, I felt so lost it was as if I had lost my ability to use my right hand. I was depressed and fearful for her safety too in a country so far away from home.

Q 02:- It was hard. I became  closer to my youngest who’s still studying and spent more time with my two dogs as well. I read books and watched documentaries. 

Q 03 :- There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel worried about my daughter’s well-being.

Q 04 :- I started to pray more regularly.

Q 05 :- I check up twice a day and even if I’m unable to speak to her at least by messages I check up on her.

Q 06 :- Yes I believe you need to start focusing on yourself and  slowly get your life back.

Q 07 :- They should first focus on the purpose of why they went and make the most out of it.

Q 08 :- My advice is at first it is so difficult, you feel so empty, lost and lonely. Thanks to technology today you can easily face time your children and talk to them whenever time permits. So it then feels as if the children are there around you. They went for the  betterment  of their own future and it is something as parents that we must support.

Lucky  Lenagala

Q 01 :- I am a working mother of two children. My elder child my daughter who is now 24 years, left home to follow her dreams of becoming a doctor, 4 years ago in 2020. She left for Belarus which is  country in eastern Europe bordered by Russia and Ukraine.

It was definitely a lot of mixed feelings when she left. First of all being the eldest and who had been with us her entire life and seeing her go was a very sad moment for us. However, we were proud of her and her achievements and wanted her to pursue her career and allow her to achieve her dream.

The emptiness I felt, when she left cannot be explained in words as I felt a part of me was missing from the first day up until this very moment.

Both of us as parents as happy as we were for her we felt scared of what might be in store for her, and knowing that it would be taking 6 years to complete her studies, the emptiness we feel is still inside of us when we think of her.

Q 02 :- As my younger son  just finished his Advanced Level exams and is only ready now for his next part in his journey of life and venture out and leave the nest as well, our emptiness in the house was not felt fully when my daughter left, as he was with us.

My spouse and I do think of the fact that when he leaves that life will be so different. All of a sudden, we think of it and a sudden empty feeling comes over and wondering how we will manage it and what we should do to overcome it.

Q 03 :- Yes of course, specially our daughter studying in a country bordering two countries at war, we were very scared and anxious. At one time, we were wondering even whether we should bring her back home when the war started. We do have a constant fear, and we are very anxious about her safety and well-being.

Q 04 :- Thankfully with the new technology, we have been in touch with our daughter continuously on calls or on video calls. Be it happy, sad, difficult, lonely or for even no reason at all, we contact her very frequently. This helped us get through our loneliness and the feeling of missing her.

Q 05 :- The first year  she left, we would call her daily  even for a few minutes. This way we felt she was with us. However, with the progression of the years, and the difficulty and advancement of studies the frequency of daily calls have reduced, however even through a message we make it a point to keep in touch. I feel this is very important for her as well as for us. 

Q 06 :- Well... our health is our wealth and we do need to keep healthy to be able to spend for our children’s education. And I do believe that we need to be strong and encourage the children to get the education and we need to be focused on why we have sent them and we need to move on in life than being depressed all the time.

Q 07 :- I believe the parents should not lose contact with the children.. Being engaged in some work or in any things that make us happy will help us to keep our minds occupied, and give the children the space they need to get on with their lives and development.  

Q 08 :-  When we were their age hardly any parents sent their children overseas. However, when children get married they did have to let go… So now when the children leave the home early, we should be happy to see them pursuing their ambitions and be proud of them. We need to be strong. It makes it easier to go on thinking that we have done the best for them. Keep yourself occupied, work, travel, join friends for get togethers, read, watch movies, enjoy the time that you have with your spouse or anything that keeps you happy and engaged, and do not waste time being depressed,and go on with life. Always remember to keep in touch with your children.

Some names have been changed